I often wonder if the foster parents that killed my son ever think about me and how Im doing. I guess in my head I hope what happened to my son has effected their life more than just not being able to be crappy foster parents.  I never did anything wrong, yet my son was killed because she just couldnt be bothered enough to be a good caregiver. She was even getting paid for it. Stupid.

When I had Donald he was a miracle. I still remember taking him grocery shopping, out to eat with my parents, and how I danced with him on my chest. My heart still aches for him, and I still feel his touch even though its been 13 years. It takes the murder of a child to change someone in ways you can never get back from.

The house is quiet, all but for the beeping of Zoes monitor. It beeps with each breath and I wait for the pause. I wait for my heart to stop. I wait for the worst. Its a horrible way to live, but its reality. Its happened before.

13 years ago my perfectly healthy baby went into the home of strangers, strangers who were given the honor of caring for such an incredible soul. They failed to do what was best for him, I believe this with every ounce of belief I have. You can ask me why, I have a list

• She lied about having a baby monitor.
• She used a recalled product that had already murdered other babies
• She placed a 2 month old on his stomach to sleep, even after admitting she knew back to sleep was best
• She kept him 2 floors below her, alone in her basement. She claims he was cranky and would cry.
• She slept 2 floors away from a 2 month old for 8 freaking HOURS. EIGHT HOURS!!

Now having Zoe I can tell you she sleeps for a maximum of 3 hours IF that. Shes his age today. If she slept for 8 hours we would be in the emergency room.

I just can not get over how the memories flood back even though I push them away.  The phone calls from the lawyers. The news media, the constant updates of information that left me speechless. How one person can completely deny someones place in the world.

So here I sit waiting for my Bean to wake up, hoping that right now, this very moment as I take this breath.. that this foster monster is tossing in her sleep having the worst nightmare shes ever had.. and that when she wakes up, it follows her for the rest of her life. That is what she has done to me. Made me live the worst mightmare ever for 13 years.

I just need to watch her breathe.. and pray and wait and survive this. Weird thing is, I wish she was crying, like at birth.. crying means breathing.

Current Mood: Angry & Sad & Tired & Upset

Baby Zoe is here and doing well. I realized I updated HER blog but not my own.. DUH!

So Dec 18th ZoeBean was born via c-section at 6lbs130z. Shes perfect. No, seriously, shes perfect! Shes just such a blessing, which I said from the beginning. There is so much joy in her that I find it hard to be upset or angry at what was and just find myself daydreaming and loving her.

Sometimes life is just unpredicitble. Having Zoe was not in the plans, or ever thought of. I am done now, no more children. Just too old and I think Zoe completes something that I was missing. Shes just so much like Donald. I miss him. Having her for the holidays was hard, but so pleasant. I dont think I put her down unless my GG was holding her. I have a hard time being away from her. I have panic attacks over here due to Donald. I get it.. I know where they are stemming from and that its not her. Its just her perfection and her healthy being.. and then add in the holidays. Im trying to get better. I am breathing more, letting things go.

The new year always brings such angst in the house. Our family Christmas present is being delivered Wed.. a new Couch.LoveSeat and Recliner. WOO HOO.  The living room is so empty waiting for it. Its all chocolate brown and pillowy. Its been a long time since we had a new couch so this is wonderful. Thank you to my mom.. its a great present because it will hep us spend more time together as a family.

My personal goal is to work through some of the emotional damage from Baby Donald and not let it interfere with how I am with Zoe. I also want to work through my control journal, save money this year and work on getting a certain debt paid to a certain person whom I wont say but lives 4 blocks away.  I want to sell some of my Vera Bradley this year and start going through my clothing and getting rid of a lot of it. I dont wear so much, and it should just find new homes.

I also want to see my sister once a month. We have our differences, but shes only half an hour away so I should not have an excuse. Shes gotten herself engaged, after 11 years.. and thats wonderful for her. Her waiting 2 years makes me worry but I will support her as she needs, not how I desire. I wont allow it to be toxic, but I do enjoy hanging with her, even if its just me taking her out to eat with Zoe while the kids are in school or something.  She needs to have us in her life, and I know that its a blessing to have her. I just wish I could help her find her way without what I want her to do. I just hurt watching her keep herself trapped in a very bad circle of happenings.

What else is there?? Lots. OOPS. I want to get through the basement by the end of Feb and either donate or sell whats down there. Honestly we haven’t used it in years so it needs to go. I want to de-clutter each kids wardrobe outside of school uniforms. Doug did the kids shoes today so that is a start. I am working on Zoes clothing this week but know it will take me longer. I cant say what will fit her in a few months.

Goals for the week:

• Manage Zoe by  myself with just Matt if possible. I need help getting her to and from the car because of the surgery. Still struggling with the pain when I lift her in the car seat.
• Get my Calendar pages from Franklin Covey and get my book started and filled in.
• Get Quicken installed and start keeping track of where our money is going. Ya, hello, that should read  HAS GONE.
• List 2 pieces of VB on Ebay/Yahoo for sale.
• Keep Zoe’s blog up to date. With PHOTOS.
• Get my Camera cleaned if I can find a place locally thats still HERE to do it.
• Get ZoeBean and Ems room cleaned up. Not a hard task, just need to pack away the larger diapers to get a drawer empty.
• Send my Brother a card with a photo of Zoe for him to keep. I want to do this every other week..
• Start to actually put addresses IN my address book on my phone so I have them for Christmas Cards this year. I am so horrible at this.

I should add that I need to write here every night, but I do not know if that will happen. I mean seriously, its a limited amount of free arm time here.. LOL  I love my lil Bean but she sure does always want me! I shouldnt complain, right?  I mean how can you complain about a baby wanting to sleep on mommies chest and snuggle with her .. and nurse her to sleep.. and have her tiny hand wrapped around your finger so tight that shes telling you she wont let go? Im amazed at her tiny fingers and how imporant they are to me.  Everything about her is important to me. But her tiny fingers just amaze me.

Current Mood: Content & Happy