So please stop trying to give fake tickets, the ride has officially ended.

I would like to make a statement.  The fact that my parents work their ass off for what they have does not make them worth less than someone  with money who did nothing to get it.  Appreciation comes from hard work. You were very blessed to have a son, yet you treated him like crap and ignored him and controlled his every whim for years. Came back to bite you in the ass now didnt it?

I have an incredible family. My parents do not judge. We all make mistakes, its how you handle them, how you learn from them that matters. Up until this past month D and I have always spent what we had. We liked having things because we both had trauma from our past that kept us attached to items. We never really understood it, but I know I do now. Letting go and moving forward is more important to me than holding onto 600 pieces of Vera Bradley.  I had always lost so much as a child and adult that I felt items were so important. My birth father had been such a jackass when it came down to presents and items that we never had much as kids. So my damage came from him and my sons death. I wanted my kids to have everything in abundance, and in doing so I raised some pretty spoiled kidlets. Good kidlets but spoiled. They are learning a lesson with this as well, which is good for them.

I cant say where Ds damage came from. Being adopted, having trauma as a child, his mother being ill, his father being cold and distant.. being controlled and put down for having a learning disability, or even his divorce and having his children ripped out of his heart and soul. His parents helped his xwife keep his kids from him because it allowed them to keep them for themselves.  They always got to be the savior and the safe place, although the kids have grown up to be troubled just like their mother and grandparents.

So D left and came back. Our separation was never about not loving each other. Anyone who thinks so doesn’t know us. We have loved one another since we met all those moons ago. We had a rough road to get back to where we are.  Background is pretty um.. well here..

D and I met online and were just friends talking. He had a son who was the same age as Donald was when he passed. D had a deeper connection to his son after helping me deal with some of my loss. It wa still fresh and knew in my heart, and he helped me get past some of the hardest alone times. The one day he told me he wanted out of his marriage. I tried to help him repair it, but the more time went buy the more he fell in love with me. Then one day he came to meet me in person. Yep, it was one of those moments where you know its love at first site. I tried so hard to not love him, he was married. But over time I gave in. Then he said he wanted to leave her. I told him to try and fix his marriage. I went to the zoo as friends with his wife and son. I saw what a horrible person she was. How horrible of a mother she was, how unbelievely selfish she was, demanding, degrading.. I remember understanding how he could hate her after spending such a short time with her. I still held my ground. He needed to get out of his on his own before we could ever see if there was something between us. The one day it was just him wanting to leave her and I said fine. I loved him.

That turned into the first time I know his parents and her family manipulated him. Basically if he left her, he would loose his son. They would all make sure he never saw that child again. D stayed with her and we ended all communication. I went on to have our N.

And 2 years later it was another story. I got an email from my x that D was looking for me. I cautiously sent an email back and we started talking. He wanted to meet. I said fine, and we met at a public place. It was as if a day had not gone by. Just his voice made me melt.  We talked and laughed.. and I cried the whole way home. I remember it clearly, his kissing my cheek as I said goodbye.  It wasn’t even 3 weeks later and he wanted to be with me, no questions about it. I told him to go home, spend a month and make sure. I couldn’t go through what happened 2 years ago again. He needed to make sure, get his own place, stand on his own feet and figure things out. He called his parents and they ignored his cry for help. They were too busy for him. So he went home and told his wife he wanted to leave. She started whipping toys at him, screaming.. just all irrational.  I understand it, she was losing her world. She just never loved him like I do.

So later that night he showed up at my door. No job, no belongings, no direction. I took him in open arms and loved him.  She filed for divorce the same time he did, and to his surprise, his parents abandoned him, refused to help him and instead helped HER keep the kids from him. He was devastated, and still has not healed from what they all did to him. All I could do was to keep him moving forward.

I got pregnant with the twins while the divorce was still going on. It was a long drawn out battle between them, mediation and junk they did not need. I think divorces should be only allowed after the couple is not together for a year. Reason being, by then the emotions have died down and kids are not torn apart.  Give them separation papers for 1 year and then the divorce is final. All this emotional baggage had D in a horrible state. He was needy, over emotional, always terrified I would leave him.. he was scared of losing me and the twins.  I couldn’t take it and we had to have some time apart. 6 weeks during a high risk pregnancy.  I called his parents once to let him know about a test because I was in preterm labor.. they never gave him the message. Somehow we go through it, but it was the second time I saw them do everything they could to keep him away from me. They even had him spending all his time with his xwife and kids.. trying to get family number 1 back together.

It didnt work, love won out.

We built a family, had wonderful children and generally had a pretty happy life for 8 years.

Then his mother died. It was pretty sudden for D, he is still struggling with it. We went to the funeral and D felt like an outsider. People knew his business, his Dad was distant. D struggled to keep it all together. I just could never imagine being him on those days.  But I was there, by his side through all of it. The dirty looks, the questions, the talking behind our backs that we are the other family. All of it. And that was ok. D worked hard to get his dad back in his life. It had been 6 years. He brought the kids by, went to visit, helped when he could.. It was a strange relationship I never understood, but I grew up different. We dont push family away, we are always there for one another.. Its why I live 4 blocks from my Parents and Grandmother.  Over time the fact that Doug was never good enough for him was clear. He didnt spend the holidays with the kids. He questioned our daughter, the people he had around were more important that his son and Grandkids.. it was just off. He was never rude to me but never kind. I knew I was not part of his world, so I just simply stopped going over there. D would take a kid and go without me. I couldnt take his barking, his whacked behaviors with the kids. I also knew I couldnt say anything because D didnt see him for what he was.

Bottom line was, I was never going to be his daughter in law, DIL #1 was all that mattered, even though he would talk down about her behind her back. So where is the problem?  Im democratic. I have had to struggle my entire life. I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. I had a lot of children.. OH NOES!! But hey, I have all my children. My children all love me. My children are all here, with me. Guess I did something right?? My children dont wet the bed at 10yrs of age. I get them medical help and know how to take care of them. Im not oblivious to all the signs around me. Dumb as Dirt is what D calls her, and I know its true.

So in the end D and I will remain a constant because its what we are. Sometimes you need a break to breathe and figure out how much you need and want to be with the other person.

Ill write part two when Im done taking care of kidlets..

Current Mood: Grouchy

I figured I would post, since Lj is going down. I havent loaded my friends page yet.. I should so I can read and get some happy times in before it does.

Talked to Doug last night, he was just waking up. I was just going to bed.  Emaly is still sleeping. Jack too. I am canceling speech so I can bring the kids in tomorrow to see Mike. Mom is home sick today too.  Its just one of those times here.

I dont know what else to say other than I want to go back to sleep and SLEEP. Thats all. SLEEP. JD has his chocolates final today. I hope he does well.

Its cold here. Yep, I have nothing to talk about. Here are photos from Dougs trip..yes hes still there.

Current Mood: Tired

Talked with Doug. Noah was upset last night because he misses daddy. He cried and I let him sleep in my bed, which was a good thing. He needed some special attention. We watched the rest of Dexter Season . I started season 2 after he fell asleep and I was waiting for Doug to call. Sounds like he is ahead of schedule in Germany and work is already going well. I don’t think this will lead to coming home early, and hes talking about not being able to go to Singapore because they are over budget.  IDK, sounds like hes letting his missing us stop him from enjoying himself, but maybe he is and I just dont hear it. I hope he is.  Would be a shame to not have any fun on a trip like this.

Emaly is home today, sick. She threw up last night, which was not good. She was coughing and hacking and kept throwing up from it. So I rented Kung Fu Panda for her and she can stay in my bed and watch movies all day.

Matt is here, hes helping, which is good. Honestly I think the disability will help him keep himself busy. He has plans to buy some things for himself and I think thats great. Hes back on his meds and I see a difference already.  He wants to take the basement and turn it into a room for him and JD. I told him it will take time to trust him living here. Now that he has funds of his own, he can go places and be independant. It could work, and its why I fought so hard for this.

Other than this, life is what it is.  Oh Nate.. damn , can I not talk about him? He is not going to school because I will not subject anyone to this crap hes doing. Its unbelievable. His mouth has been going since 5, and I hope he falls over and goes to sleep. I would love to send him to school, just dont see that happening now.  IDK, I just want him gone and some sleep. I don’t sleep during the night well.  I will most likely hang out on the couch, watch some Dexter and get some work done and try to play with some graphics. I might find myself in the mood, who knows.

Noah school time..