Baby Zoe is here and doing well. I realized I updated HER blog but not my own.. DUH!

So Dec 18th ZoeBean was born via c-section at 6lbs130z. Shes perfect. No, seriously, shes perfect! Shes just such a blessing, which I said from the beginning. There is so much joy in her that I find it hard to be upset or angry at what was and just find myself daydreaming and loving her.

Sometimes life is just unpredicitble. Having Zoe was not in the plans, or ever thought of. I am done now, no more children. Just too old and I think Zoe completes something that I was missing. Shes just so much like Donald. I miss him. Having her for the holidays was hard, but so pleasant. I dont think I put her down unless my GG was holding her. I have a hard time being away from her. I have panic attacks over here due to Donald. I get it.. I know where they are stemming from and that its not her. Its just her perfection and her healthy being.. and then add in the holidays. Im trying to get better. I am breathing more, letting things go.

The new year always brings such angst in the house. Our family Christmas present is being delivered Wed.. a new Couch.LoveSeat and Recliner. WOO HOO.  The living room is so empty waiting for it. Its all chocolate brown and pillowy. Its been a long time since we had a new couch so this is wonderful. Thank you to my mom.. its a great present because it will hep us spend more time together as a family.

My personal goal is to work through some of the emotional damage from Baby Donald and not let it interfere with how I am with Zoe. I also want to work through my control journal, save money this year and work on getting a certain debt paid to a certain person whom I wont say but lives 4 blocks away.  I want to sell some of my Vera Bradley this year and start going through my clothing and getting rid of a lot of it. I dont wear so much, and it should just find new homes.

I also want to see my sister once a month. We have our differences, but shes only half an hour away so I should not have an excuse. Shes gotten herself engaged, after 11 years.. and thats wonderful for her. Her waiting 2 years makes me worry but I will support her as she needs, not how I desire. I wont allow it to be toxic, but I do enjoy hanging with her, even if its just me taking her out to eat with Zoe while the kids are in school or something.  She needs to have us in her life, and I know that its a blessing to have her. I just wish I could help her find her way without what I want her to do. I just hurt watching her keep herself trapped in a very bad circle of happenings.

What else is there?? Lots. OOPS. I want to get through the basement by the end of Feb and either donate or sell whats down there. Honestly we haven’t used it in years so it needs to go. I want to de-clutter each kids wardrobe outside of school uniforms. Doug did the kids shoes today so that is a start. I am working on Zoes clothing this week but know it will take me longer. I cant say what will fit her in a few months.

Goals for the week:

• Manage Zoe by  myself with just Matt if possible. I need help getting her to and from the car because of the surgery. Still struggling with the pain when I lift her in the car seat.
• Get my Calendar pages from Franklin Covey and get my book started and filled in.
• Get Quicken installed and start keeping track of where our money is going. Ya, hello, that should read  HAS GONE.
• List 2 pieces of VB on Ebay/Yahoo for sale.
• Keep Zoe’s blog up to date. With PHOTOS.
• Get my Camera cleaned if I can find a place locally thats still HERE to do it.
• Get ZoeBean and Ems room cleaned up. Not a hard task, just need to pack away the larger diapers to get a drawer empty.
• Send my Brother a card with a photo of Zoe for him to keep. I want to do this every other week..
• Start to actually put addresses IN my address book on my phone so I have them for Christmas Cards this year. I am so horrible at this.

I should add that I need to write here every night, but I do not know if that will happen. I mean seriously, its a limited amount of free arm time here.. LOL  I love my lil Bean but she sure does always want me! I shouldnt complain, right?  I mean how can you complain about a baby wanting to sleep on mommies chest and snuggle with her .. and nurse her to sleep.. and have her tiny hand wrapped around your finger so tight that shes telling you she wont let go? Im amazed at her tiny fingers and how imporant they are to me.  Everything about her is important to me. But her tiny fingers just amaze me.

Current Mood: Content & Happy

Had Nates IEP meeting today which did not go as well as I thought it would. Well some of it was fine, some good, some great news.. others just frustrates me to hell.

His overall IQ has not changed, but his skill levels have increased a full grade in the last 3 years. This is wonderful news, hes still learning and what Im pushing for is worth it.  I had to fight to keep PT, which I think is hilarious that they want to drop. Seriously, because he can walk up and down stairs with a helmet hes all ready to enter the big world? Um, NO. She actually said she didnt think seeing him for 30mins a week would make his life different. Then maybe you should see him MORE than 30 and not LESS. Ya, I kept her on consult and I am going to call his dr and get an outside eval done again. Its that time and its needed.

He is doing well in an OT standpoint, but again they are only doing how it effects his school. Not that he can not manipulate a button to do his own shirts. They talked about living skills but do not see how the basics are missing in order to gain those skills.  His speech is great and she had some great ideas on new goals. His educational aspect is going great, although now they are putting OT into that. IDK, just want to bang my head on the wall. Its the first time I ever had to tell a school I was NOT comfortable with a discontinuation of services. I felt like teh PT saw it as a waste of her time, like she could be better off with another student. Like Nate was ok enough that it was fine to let him fall flat on his face. Oh he did that this morning.

Other than this.. Em, Noah and now Nate are all home sick still. Jack went to school. Im heading back to bed for a lil while since I was up late and early.  IM hungry but more exhausted. Thinking I need some rest so I can gain back the energy I wasted walking up and down 3 flights of stairs at the school TWICE.

Current Mood: Angry

So many things have had me off track the last year. I havent been blogging at all which leads to a lack of thoughts spilling out of my head and more piling up in my head.  Im on my Fb more than here.. but I can post to that from my phone. Simple blurbs work better sometimes.

Currently: Kids are sick. We took Noah to the ER and its the flu. Hes doing ok and she said we are managing it well, doing everything fine. Im worried about his weight because hes already so thin, but she said hes hydrated and stuff. Em is on the med up, Jack seems over it.. Nate is still down for the count and then Matthew is on the way out. JD was not touched, and I had something but seem to be better. Doug is filled with nasty germs and I made him wear a mask. :-0 Evil, I know.. but can you imagine the flu at 8.5 mths pregnant? Seriously..

The past.. JD is doing great in school. Culinary is really taking his mind and creativity for a ride.  Jack and Em are the top of the class, doing 1st grade work and teaching the other kids. Ya, WTH! I did not know it was my kids job to do the teachers job. We need to move, they need a better education. It should not be a bad thing that the kids are taught afterschool. Jack is mastering his flashcards and they have mastered word families.  Nate is graduating 8th grade. And Noah is doing great. Struggling with some Math work but we are working on it.

Oh the whole baby thing.. Well things are coming to a close and Bean will be here soon. I havent gotten ONE thing finished for her. The crib is up but no bedding on it. The side sleeper is in the box. The diapers are half washed, wipe warmer not plugged in.. bottles not washed, pump not delivered. Clothing is half washed here and there. Seriously, the room is a mess because the walls have to be painted still. Im so freaking behind.

The twins bday is next week.. they will be SIX! Ya, holy cow!  Jack is getting his controller and game. Em is getting a rocking chair, a waldorf doll and a custom art case. Funny part is she was asking for one the other day, and hers was made last month!  Nate got his presents already and Doug got a TicketyBu he uses all the time.

Mentioning TicketyBu.. here is the 3 kidlets with all the Tb in the house after a bath. The 3 little ones, Doug, and I all have our own TB.. the bigger boys will get ones after the holidays when I can do a custom order for them.

My life has been drastically changed by the purchase of a Keurig coffee maker. We use it for tea of course. I can have a cup of perfectly brewed tea in moments.  One cup at a time without heating anything that would scold a kid.  Yes, its a great thing. We are going to order 2 more KCups so each of us can have one of our own.. since the 3 of us all brew different tea back to back we are wasting tea.

We had to put the van in the shop to get a new engine, Doug seems to have not listened to me once again and blew the pistons on it. This in turn blew the radiator and left him without a vehicle. Now the truck has to go in, some routine maintenance and some just not acting right after he drove it for 1.5 weeks.

Did I mention contractions are no fun? Ouch Bean.. give momma a break!

Dougs dad went out of town, again. He will miss the kids bdays but thats no big deal, he didnt even do presents for them but DAMN if S&A were missed out on. Seriously, its why I havent been over there in a long time. Just cant deal with favoritism.

Jacks court date is the 30th. We have to go after the woman who hit him. I have his shoes and the hospital bills. I have photos and the damage she did to him. I also have photos of her driving without a license or insurance AFTER she hit Jack. Ya.. so not happy at all.

Well thats that.. Tomorrow I need to go to Nates IEp meeting and see if I can get my desk cleaned off, my book case empty and maybe get the bedding on the crib! LOL Im going to have 3 kids home so it wont be fun or easy. I do get to snuggle a lot so can I complain?

These are a few of my favorite things!! My kids have an incredible life.. I have an incredible family.

**side note.. this was taken as he nailed the back of my neck with a snowball. I deserved it.  And it was hilarious!**

Today JD turned 18. He is now a man. I took him out to eat for the last time as his mommy. Then we did some shopping, and now we are home. Did I mention I actually let him drive the Warthog?

this morning he went with his dad and took his drivers test and passed.. he is now a licensed driver, and dad bought him a year of insurance for his present. Cool present.

I havent been on much. Just not feeling well, distracted, not sleeping, overwhelmed, uptight about everything. Anxious. I need a break.

Tomorrow we go to Papas and he is making dinner. After that, I am officially on the diet of a lifetime. 25lbs quickly. No red meat, fat or crap. i have a Wii fit, and a weightloss coach. I am seriously not buying another thing until I loose this weight.  Im going to talk to my Dr about new meds, and order our medications through the mail vs in stores to save us a ton of fucking money. Other than that.. well, Im tired, and its bed time for me, and I wanted a new couch and I still dont have it. That makes me sad. I got a new chair, but its not couch. Cant curl up with the kids in a chair.

Emaly cut her bangs today.. bad. She got grounded and sent to bed. She knows Im mad at her, I refused to talk to her. I am so livid. i would have gotten her a hair cut, but for fucks sake, why did she fuck with her hair???

Current Mood: Frustrated

The kids Ped called me tonight to let me know the boys scripts were ready and waiting for me at the center. I asked him if he knew about Jack and Emalys visit last week, as he was on vacation. He had no clue. When I told him how Emaly was, with her coughing and throwing up, he said that is a tell tale sign of Pertussis, and since my kids had it already they should have been tested. IF Emaly throws up from coughing I a taking her back to the ER. Now that Mikes around I don’t have to worry about some cocky Dr telling me I dont need to worry about something that has already effected our life.  I mean Jeese.. we almost lost Jack because of it. And this wasn’t a guess case, it was confirmed and the CDC and health department had to be notified. For crying out loud. And the Dr telling me that I shouldn’t worry.. that her cough was nothing, well he can suck my toe. If shes still coughing but doing the same as now, I bring them both in on Wed so Mike can see them.

This is why my kids ONLY see their Dr. This is why I tell them that they are NOT allowed to get sick on Tuesdays. And had I thought they could hold off, I would have waited till today to bring them in. I assumed the same office would have their records and treat them the same. What a dork, I did not follow my own rule.  I also have ot make the kids 5yr checkup appts, they go in on the birthday to get flu shots, but I did not schedule the well checks because, well they are not well at the moment.

OK, Off to cook dinner for me and the older boys. Jd was let out 2 hours early from class tonight. I don’t like that, I get home only to turn around and drive back.  Im tired and need to get some sleep tonight. I just do not want to miss talking to him. I miss him. But I think I said that already today..

Current Mood: Angry & Frustrated & Grouchy & Tired & Upset

Talked with Doug. Noah was upset last night because he misses daddy. He cried and I let him sleep in my bed, which was a good thing. He needed some special attention. We watched the rest of Dexter Season . I started season 2 after he fell asleep and I was waiting for Doug to call. Sounds like he is ahead of schedule in Germany and work is already going well. I don’t think this will lead to coming home early, and hes talking about not being able to go to Singapore because they are over budget.  IDK, sounds like hes letting his missing us stop him from enjoying himself, but maybe he is and I just dont hear it. I hope he is.  Would be a shame to not have any fun on a trip like this.

Emaly is home today, sick. She threw up last night, which was not good. She was coughing and hacking and kept throwing up from it. So I rented Kung Fu Panda for her and she can stay in my bed and watch movies all day.

Matt is here, hes helping, which is good. Honestly I think the disability will help him keep himself busy. He has plans to buy some things for himself and I think thats great. Hes back on his meds and I see a difference already.  He wants to take the basement and turn it into a room for him and JD. I told him it will take time to trust him living here. Now that he has funds of his own, he can go places and be independant. It could work, and its why I fought so hard for this.

Other than this, life is what it is.  Oh Nate.. damn , can I not talk about him? He is not going to school because I will not subject anyone to this crap hes doing. Its unbelievable. His mouth has been going since 5, and I hope he falls over and goes to sleep. I would love to send him to school, just dont see that happening now.  IDK, I just want him gone and some sleep. I don’t sleep during the night well.  I will most likely hang out on the couch, watch some Dexter and get some work done and try to play with some graphics. I might find myself in the mood, who knows.

Noah school time..