So please stop trying to give fake tickets, the ride has officially ended.

I would like to make a statement.  The fact that my parents work their ass off for what they have does not make them worth less than someone  with money who did nothing to get it.  Appreciation comes from hard work. You were very blessed to have a son, yet you treated him like crap and ignored him and controlled his every whim for years. Came back to bite you in the ass now didnt it?

I have an incredible family. My parents do not judge. We all make mistakes, its how you handle them, how you learn from them that matters. Up until this past month D and I have always spent what we had. We liked having things because we both had trauma from our past that kept us attached to items. We never really understood it, but I know I do now. Letting go and moving forward is more important to me than holding onto 600 pieces of Vera Bradley.  I had always lost so much as a child and adult that I felt items were so important. My birth father had been such a jackass when it came down to presents and items that we never had much as kids. So my damage came from him and my sons death. I wanted my kids to have everything in abundance, and in doing so I raised some pretty spoiled kidlets. Good kidlets but spoiled. They are learning a lesson with this as well, which is good for them.

I cant say where Ds damage came from. Being adopted, having trauma as a child, his mother being ill, his father being cold and distant.. being controlled and put down for having a learning disability, or even his divorce and having his children ripped out of his heart and soul. His parents helped his xwife keep his kids from him because it allowed them to keep them for themselves.  They always got to be the savior and the safe place, although the kids have grown up to be troubled just like their mother and grandparents.

So D left and came back. Our separation was never about not loving each other. Anyone who thinks so doesn’t know us. We have loved one another since we met all those moons ago. We had a rough road to get back to where we are.  Background is pretty um.. well here..

D and I met online and were just friends talking. He had a son who was the same age as Donald was when he passed. D had a deeper connection to his son after helping me deal with some of my loss. It wa still fresh and knew in my heart, and he helped me get past some of the hardest alone times. The one day he told me he wanted out of his marriage. I tried to help him repair it, but the more time went buy the more he fell in love with me. Then one day he came to meet me in person. Yep, it was one of those moments where you know its love at first site. I tried so hard to not love him, he was married. But over time I gave in. Then he said he wanted to leave her. I told him to try and fix his marriage. I went to the zoo as friends with his wife and son. I saw what a horrible person she was. How horrible of a mother she was, how unbelievely selfish she was, demanding, degrading.. I remember understanding how he could hate her after spending such a short time with her. I still held my ground. He needed to get out of his on his own before we could ever see if there was something between us. The one day it was just him wanting to leave her and I said fine. I loved him.

That turned into the first time I know his parents and her family manipulated him. Basically if he left her, he would loose his son. They would all make sure he never saw that child again. D stayed with her and we ended all communication. I went on to have our N.

And 2 years later it was another story. I got an email from my x that D was looking for me. I cautiously sent an email back and we started talking. He wanted to meet. I said fine, and we met at a public place. It was as if a day had not gone by. Just his voice made me melt.  We talked and laughed.. and I cried the whole way home. I remember it clearly, his kissing my cheek as I said goodbye.  It wasn’t even 3 weeks later and he wanted to be with me, no questions about it. I told him to go home, spend a month and make sure. I couldn’t go through what happened 2 years ago again. He needed to make sure, get his own place, stand on his own feet and figure things out. He called his parents and they ignored his cry for help. They were too busy for him. So he went home and told his wife he wanted to leave. She started whipping toys at him, screaming.. just all irrational.  I understand it, she was losing her world. She just never loved him like I do.

So later that night he showed up at my door. No job, no belongings, no direction. I took him in open arms and loved him.  She filed for divorce the same time he did, and to his surprise, his parents abandoned him, refused to help him and instead helped HER keep the kids from him. He was devastated, and still has not healed from what they all did to him. All I could do was to keep him moving forward.

I got pregnant with the twins while the divorce was still going on. It was a long drawn out battle between them, mediation and junk they did not need. I think divorces should be only allowed after the couple is not together for a year. Reason being, by then the emotions have died down and kids are not torn apart.  Give them separation papers for 1 year and then the divorce is final. All this emotional baggage had D in a horrible state. He was needy, over emotional, always terrified I would leave him.. he was scared of losing me and the twins.  I couldn’t take it and we had to have some time apart. 6 weeks during a high risk pregnancy.  I called his parents once to let him know about a test because I was in preterm labor.. they never gave him the message. Somehow we go through it, but it was the second time I saw them do everything they could to keep him away from me. They even had him spending all his time with his xwife and kids.. trying to get family number 1 back together.

It didnt work, love won out.

We built a family, had wonderful children and generally had a pretty happy life for 8 years.

Then his mother died. It was pretty sudden for D, he is still struggling with it. We went to the funeral and D felt like an outsider. People knew his business, his Dad was distant. D struggled to keep it all together. I just could never imagine being him on those days.  But I was there, by his side through all of it. The dirty looks, the questions, the talking behind our backs that we are the other family. All of it. And that was ok. D worked hard to get his dad back in his life. It had been 6 years. He brought the kids by, went to visit, helped when he could.. It was a strange relationship I never understood, but I grew up different. We dont push family away, we are always there for one another.. Its why I live 4 blocks from my Parents and Grandmother.  Over time the fact that Doug was never good enough for him was clear. He didnt spend the holidays with the kids. He questioned our daughter, the people he had around were more important that his son and Grandkids.. it was just off. He was never rude to me but never kind. I knew I was not part of his world, so I just simply stopped going over there. D would take a kid and go without me. I couldnt take his barking, his whacked behaviors with the kids. I also knew I couldnt say anything because D didnt see him for what he was.

Bottom line was, I was never going to be his daughter in law, DIL #1 was all that mattered, even though he would talk down about her behind her back. So where is the problem?  Im democratic. I have had to struggle my entire life. I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. I had a lot of children.. OH NOES!! But hey, I have all my children. My children all love me. My children are all here, with me. Guess I did something right?? My children dont wet the bed at 10yrs of age. I get them medical help and know how to take care of them. Im not oblivious to all the signs around me. Dumb as Dirt is what D calls her, and I know its true.

So in the end D and I will remain a constant because its what we are. Sometimes you need a break to breathe and figure out how much you need and want to be with the other person.

Ill write part two when Im done taking care of kidlets..

Current Mood: Grouchy

I figured I would post, since Lj is going down. I havent loaded my friends page yet.. I should so I can read and get some happy times in before it does.

Talked to Doug last night, he was just waking up. I was just going to bed.  Emaly is still sleeping. Jack too. I am canceling speech so I can bring the kids in tomorrow to see Mike. Mom is home sick today too.  Its just one of those times here.

I dont know what else to say other than I want to go back to sleep and SLEEP. Thats all. SLEEP. JD has his chocolates final today. I hope he does well.

Its cold here. Yep, I have nothing to talk about. Here are photos from Dougs trip..yes hes still there.

Current Mood: Tired

Talked with Doug. Noah was upset last night because he misses daddy. He cried and I let him sleep in my bed, which was a good thing. He needed some special attention. We watched the rest of Dexter Season . I started season 2 after he fell asleep and I was waiting for Doug to call. Sounds like he is ahead of schedule in Germany and work is already going well. I don’t think this will lead to coming home early, and hes talking about not being able to go to Singapore because they are over budget.  IDK, sounds like hes letting his missing us stop him from enjoying himself, but maybe he is and I just dont hear it. I hope he is.  Would be a shame to not have any fun on a trip like this.

Emaly is home today, sick. She threw up last night, which was not good. She was coughing and hacking and kept throwing up from it. So I rented Kung Fu Panda for her and she can stay in my bed and watch movies all day.

Matt is here, hes helping, which is good. Honestly I think the disability will help him keep himself busy. He has plans to buy some things for himself and I think thats great. Hes back on his meds and I see a difference already.  He wants to take the basement and turn it into a room for him and JD. I told him it will take time to trust him living here. Now that he has funds of his own, he can go places and be independant. It could work, and its why I fought so hard for this.

Other than this, life is what it is.  Oh Nate.. damn , can I not talk about him? He is not going to school because I will not subject anyone to this crap hes doing. Its unbelievable. His mouth has been going since 5, and I hope he falls over and goes to sleep. I would love to send him to school, just dont see that happening now.  IDK, I just want him gone and some sleep. I don’t sleep during the night well.  I will most likely hang out on the couch, watch some Dexter and get some work done and try to play with some graphics. I might find myself in the mood, who knows.

Noah school time..

We moved the room around. We moved the bed. Its suppose to help, instead I woke up feeling as if life had rolled me off a cliff to land on a pile of rubble for eternity. Im > . < close to putting on a pain patch. I took pills earlier and it got me out of bed, but Im already to climb back in and hope that the GODS see it fit to rain down on us and show me some mercy.

Doug and I have reservations for dinner as he got a bonus. After a week with my brother, and weeks with the kids, he needs time with just me, although I feel as if I am not all here so kinda half empty.  But hey, kids are cleaning up so thats a wonderful thing.

I need to find a purse hook.. for all my new loves.. Vera Bradley is a curse.. addiction. One I can not simply afford.

Off to find peace and pills.. so I can somewhat be there tonight. I guess.

I actually had to reboot my computer today. Sad, JackJack went down for a bit so I could reset the laser keyboard. I kept missing letters as I typed. Now Im not THAT bad of a typer. LOL But she popped up quickly so I think keeping the C drive for just the OS has been a help in my downtime. Seriously, under 3 mins total when it had been taking 20 to 25 round trip.

So Plumbers came out today. Sad sad sad. Bathroom upstairs now works. New pipes, unclogged lines and great water pressure. The downstairs wash basin sink which has plagued this house since it was built now has new pipes under it, which we can take part if need be and clean out.  How beautiful.  Doug still insists this is what killed Lexi, that the sink leaked with bleach water, she drank it and died. I dont know. I cant imagine her drinking the water. She was old, so I hope she went in peace and not in pain. Lets not go back a year.

The hardest part came when they had to do the main line because now the sewer was backing up in the standpipe. We have had a lot of rain. But they brought in this huge “take your arm off freaking big” machine and routed the main pipe out of the house. Tree roots + “disposable” wipes + hair do not make for a good combination. I can understand why it was so horrible.  Total cost was under 600$, which shocked me because I thought for sure it would be over a grand when I saw them cutting pipes.

Plumber said do not use the wipes, none are really flushable. Even those kids ones. Its incredible to do laundry, use the toilet, wash my hands in a real bathroom sink and not have water leaking everywhere. What a beautiful thing.  This house has had water issues for 20 years, and all of this needs to be done on a regular basis. Well the main line being kept clean.

So that was that.

I had Chiro and PT this morning. Without the pain patch I am literally falling apart. I see the pain specialist on the 16th, but I might put a patch on tonight so I can live the rest of the week. Weather has broken, ac is off and its cool here. Im also not driving much at the moment.  I just cant do the PT without the patch because the dilaudid is not covering all the pain.  I don’t think its addiction because I dont crave it, I just cant move freely. Im stiff and everything hurts again like it did before. I was all for trying to get off it, but now we need to find something I can use all summer without the bad effects, and have pain relief so I dont live a crappy life.

Kids started summer school but Nate did not go today. We had to keep an eye on him. He climbed, aka scaled, the dressers yesterday to get to the DS after it was taken away, fell and has a nice egg on his head. The one week of no school has been hard on him. He just cant seem to adjust. Hes mouthy and to the point where I would put him inpatient again to get monitored if I had the energy to do it.  The drive is long and the process sucks.  Hes just becoming a danger to himself more than others, although hes been rough with Emaly when I yell at him, so Im watching the two of them.

Doug worked last night, and I mean night, so he was home all day. With all this going on I am sure hes beat. My mom is having a hard time with all the house stuff. I just wish she knew it wasnt like we wanted bad plumbing, and when she gets the house back in 2 years or maybe 1, she will see that the new plumbing has no issues and the damn kitchen ceiling can be replaced now without worry.  Everything is an improvement, I just wish I could help her know that we didnt call the plumber because we hadnt tried everything. Doug almost killed us trying.

My brothers dates to visit are set. Here on the 29th. Leaves on the 6th. First time he will be here for 4th of July, we are normally on vacation that one week. I mean the last how many years and this year we are not going because of something else going on and hes coming out on that week. Oh well.. I mean its not a bad thing, I love his visits… But Im going to be missing the ocean at the same time.

Tomorrow is going to be hell. Doug has a funeral to go to, which we both wanted to go to, and Im sorry Randi. I wish I could go. I have PT in the am, Jd has a game at 11.  So I have to be here with the kids. I am sorry, and hope she understands. My thoughts are with her always, Im only a phone call away.

Brakes got done on the van, we have to pick it up. No biggie, but its nice that its done and safe. PepBoys wanted 515, our friend got the parts for 170 and then 50 in labor to do them. We will give him more for the labor as a bonus… because he saved us a ton of money. just took a lil longer.

There is always drama.. still waiting on Selinas husband to send us money so I can send her stuff out and recoup some of the costs of having them here. Heck, the ticket amount refunded to me would be nice. It wasnt like it was a planned event. I doubt we will hear from him, so her stuff will sit in the basement, including her computer until I hear something. He said not to send anything until we hear from him, but that doesnt seem to be happening.

My head hurts, its bed time. Kids are all asleep other than JD and Noah. Noahs going to help me put away the toothbrushes in the bathroom because they have been in the kitchen for months now. So nice to have a sink.

I need to post photos. I havent done that in a while. But here.. my desk from today.. Its about all I got.

Current Mood: Happy