Uggh is all I can say. Its been such a slow start, I am glad we gave ourselves a week to work out all the kinks.

Currently Noah is writing his spelling words 20 times each, 10 extra as punishment for being such a jerk last night.

Jack is writing his 10 times each for the same reason as Noah, but he only got half the number because hes only in 1st grade and writing is very hard for him.

Emaly is doing hers 5 times, which is the normal amount.

The hardest part of the day is Zoe and keeping her entertained.

I need to finish getting organized and get some more supplies, which might mean a trip to Ikea for desks for the kids. I want small tables as they have ottomens for chairs that house all thier folders and notebooks.  Off to search for things we could use as desks for the kids.

So a week ago Bean had a rash, and it was icky. I had been using all the natural products we had so while we stopped at the Drs I let him see it.. of course my worst fear was real.. we had a yeast infection. So he suggest the anti-fungal cream and I said ok.. only because Walmart no longer carries Gentian Violet. So I special ordered the GV and used the cream until it came in. 5 days with NO improvement.  One round of a purple tush and it was gone in 2 days. Yes, completely healed. But then I started to see the next step.. white spots on her inside gums. Nothing big but they were there.  So I called the Doc and he said to go ahead and treat me and her with the GV, or he could call in anitbiotics for both. Um sure thing.. So now we are purple.

Here is the thing about GV.. it works. Its great, but its messy. I apply it to my breast and let it dry some. Then I nurse her and it transfers to her mouth. Sounds simple, unless you have a baby who loves to smash her entire face into your breast.  So Miss Bean has a nice purple face for a while, although it will fade a ton in a few hours. She doesnt seem to mind although she is getting a kick out of my giggles at her.

So thats the drama for the moment.. Thrush being beaten by a natural product in a tiny bottle. Gotta love nature!

Slept like garbage. The ac unit makes me dizzy while laying in bed. Its going to need to be relocated to another window, away from my head. I really do not want to dismantle our room, but if we want to survive the summer we might be forced to do so.

Bean had an off night, up and down and wanting to smile and giggle and play at 3am. Whats up with that?  So D got the kids out the door and let me attempt to pass out, which I was doing already.  I then woke up rather quickly to Em sick and Nate in a mood. Oh well.. nice attempt and I do appreciate it.

So the day has been quick. I downloaded things for the kids, got Noahs new song he wanted.. which makes me smile. I even got a bonus for Matthew, a ringtone he will flip for.  Em got a bath, Bean is in her bumbo playing with Em while I attempt to find some time to update here without it being about the drama..

New Iphones coming out soon, which I am so excited about, as is D. We start our new budge next month and its up to each of us to save up for it. I like this idea, its all on us.  I might wait a month to get it, but we will see. Lots of major improvements, but I can still get most of the OS since we have the developer kit.

Twins graduate kindergarten next week.. WOOP!!! Nate graduates 8th grade this week. WOOP!! And then its SUMMER!! Ds planning vacation time now, since we are unsure of his work situation its kind of up in the air. We normally go away the first week of July but we shall see.. we are not going anywhere this year, but we might just take a weekend and go camping?? Maybe??  IDK, JD has a few days off and I am sure hes going to be all over his Taylorbean.  What a cute doll she is. Im happy for them, first love like this for JD. Just so in love with her its cute.

OK, the day has called, its lunch time, and then its pack up the diaper bag for Bean for Ns Drs appt this afternoon.  The day has hope and thats good. Country style ribs for dinner..

And I leave you with this..

“Well you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I’m so thug
You’re the only one I’m dreaming of
You see I can be myself now finally
In fact there’s nothing I cant be
I want the world to see you’ll be with me”

I seem to get that answer all to often in this house.  Shall I start from the beginning?

I woke up after 2 hours of sleep to a very horrible nightmare about Bean. It wasnt as bad as the one I had about Noah, but it was still pretty devastating to me.  I did Ems hair, kissed Jack goodbye for school and got Bean up. Went downstairs to get her meds which I have been giving to her in a bit of EBM or Formula so she gets it all. She hates it, but if I mix it in half an ounce, she takes it down without issues. She needs this medication or shes miserable. reflux just sucks.

SO.. I head into the kitchen to get a bottle and find all these nipples but no rings. HOW does this happen? No really? When a bottle is used its put in the sink. There are 3 pieces. A ring, a nipple and the bottle. The nippled snaps into the ring. The ring twists onto the bottle. No one in this house other than myself is smart enough to take the 3 pieces apart when shes done using them, but heck, I hand wash all the bottles I use. I refuse to throw them in the dishwasher.  So i ask Doug and he tells me ” I Don’t Know. They don’t come to me in one piece”.. Seriously? Thats his answer? He does the dishes now that Jds schedule is so messed up for school hes only home an hour each evening.

I ask about the Kurig being wiped down and I am told it was done 2 days ago. Really, thats a laughing matter because it hasnt been washed down in a week atleast. Just like the stove is never washed off and how I have to make a statement that the kids NEED to have a bath because getting one is just not an every day thing with him. So the kurig is a laughing matter here, but again, I just want to laugh that its used for a cup of hot water because microwaving a freaking cup of water is um.. what? too hard?  Of course it is. Uggh.

So Im sitting giving Bean a bottle after washing it and all the pieces clean first, even though someone else had attempted to wash them. Doug starts sliding the table and chairs across the room. Because.. well, you know asking me to move so he can get past is just NOT an option. Really? Bang my 40 year old dining room set that I just brought back into the house after 2 years in storage.. bang it all to hell why dont you!

So lets get the day going worse shall we?  I go to make myself a cup of coffee to find that two of my RSE mugs are missing. Seriously, well all 3 were to begin with but one was up in my room. Thank heavens.. the other two are missing. Which means someone broke them and does not have the balls to answer to me about it. I dont understand the comprehension that hiding it from me as if I would NOT notice the 2 missing very special mugs, that seems like a viable choice for the idiots in this house.  If you broke it, own up to it. I get an “I dont know” all to often in this house because simply, no one KNOWS anything.  I have the desire to break something special of everyone’s in this house and not say a word. When they go looking for it, act all stupid and simply say ” I don’t know” because honestly, I want them to feel what its like to always have something broken and missing.

So RIP my dear special mug.. I will miss you. I got this for helping with a Back to Sleep Fundraiser and it was special because it matched my TicketyBu.. and that means nothing to anyone here.  I am learning quickly that with how miserable it is in this house, no one cares about anyone else and that has to change.

Oh the times I wish I could just snap a song out of my head.

Blogging has been hard, Im the first to admit it. I find my days flying by so fast, napping and being mom. Super Cape just lost all meaning, it seems I was refitted with a jet turbine in my rear.

I went to the Vera Bradley Party last night and picked up a whole bunch of yummy goodness. Had to go back today to pick up a few items I was unable to get yesterday due to time. So what did I get??

Lots. LOL Seriously the 25% off was too good to pass up. So I picked up the matching set pieces for my Make Me Blush, and then a whole collection for Bean and myself in the Night & Day. I also got Em a purse. Today I went and picked up the Sitting in a Tree cup and frame as well as ordered me some sunglasses in wine. I just love them!

I put up a new blog on darcykins.com just for my scentsy things. For those of you who do not know, I am selling Sentsy now and you can order from me directly on the website. What is it?

Scentsy is a wonderful product that makes my house smell like anything I want it to! LOL This warmer is the new warmer of the month for April, along with the scent of the month being Red Candy Apple. So adorable and makes great teacher gifts. So if you want a catalog, please let me know.. and if you want to look around the site here you go. Http:/darcykins.scentsy.net

In other news.. The kids are great. Well Nate wasnt but hes been ok although today was trying. His testing is going well and while I havent written much about whats been going on, I just know we are doing the right thing.

Um.. what else?? Oh here is my done list tonight.

• Charged camera battery.
• Copied medical cards
• Moved all my photos off my camera.
• Uploaded photos to Flickr
• Made my NothingElse list for tomorrow
• Made Dougs NothingElse list for tomorrow
• Have the kids ready for tomorrow

My todo list for tonight/tomorrow

• Print up lables for my testers.
• Put in kids lunch.bkfast schedule for school
• Wash diapers
• List 3 VB for sale and take photos
• Call District Attorneys
• Clean off my desk
• Wash wool
• Bank
• Measure ME and Zoe
• Place order for diaper I already paid for ( DUH)
• Order fabric for MT and Nursing covers
• Update my Scentsy page to reflect the new SOTM/WOTM
• Laundry of course
• Order business cards and other supplies as well as new mini testers
• File all my papers and the kids medical papers
• Get my business expenses printed and copied.
• Find time to breathe and re-fule that super jet turbine engine
• Get desk cleaned off for Doug to install ITv Back
• Upload all my videos of Zoe

I think thats all..

hey, its an update, atleast I started it!

I wish I could tell the children how much they mean to me. How much more of a person I am because of them. How much more I love because of them. How much more my life means because they are simply in it. Its hard to tell them when you know it would burden thier little hearts.

I got the kids custom squishy cups from the best person in the world who does these things.. June. She owns Rising Sun Earthworks and if you need custom pottery this is your girl! She has made me the most incredible treasure box for Baby Donald that I just love.  So back to the cups.. I got each kidlet one for Christmas. They all have a color. Emaly took my Red because its my color. Noah got Yellow because he loves Bumblebee. Jack took blue because hes the boy, and Nate got Orange which is actually my favorite color because I just dont seem to like green. LOL  So for her next custom round I am going to request plates for each kid. They will all be the same color scheme to match, and each will have their names on them. She does incredible lettering by the way and draws the most adorable sheep!  So one each plate I want to put what each child has given me. Wings, Strength, Freedom, Love, ect.. Im going to get them each a bowl as well. I want to order a set for Zoe too, but it would be purple or pink and I dont want to take Pink from Em when I didnt get her Pink.. make sense? So.. thats that. We have several pieces by June, including several mugs, a double slot yarn bowl, my own plate and butter crocks. I really love my RSE. 

Current Mood: Frustrated

Throw the damn things back. Everything ends up rotten if you try to hold on to it for too long.

The last few days have been a bunch of realizations for me. Honestly, life is not where I want it for ME and the kids. I just see different paths being headed down and I want to stop, look at a map, get better directions and then proceed. The directions I was given seem to be messed up, even if they did come from a reliable gps system. Maybe, just maybe the batteries are dying and its time to chuck it or replace them?

Now ask, what was all that about?

My so called marriage. Everyone knows Doug and I are not married. Its pretty easy to know if you know us. 9 years off and on, more on than off. We cant get married because of Nate, or so I think thats the reason. Honestly, I dont know anymore. It might just be me waiting for things to snap in to place? Maybe its me reserving what is left of myself? Problem is.. right now I wish I could call it quits and just go back to where I was before I had the twins and it was me and the boys. Noah would be 8 and the youngest. I am not saying I do not want or love the twins and Zoe, everyone knows I do. Its just how life would be uncomplicated. We would be in a better school district. We would be in a better place finically. A warmer house too. I would have my van, and life would be what it is. I don’t know if Matt would be living with me still, but JD would be going to college and life would be what it would be. I guess I just wonder how things spiraled out of control. Why did I let it get to this point without screaming STOP and was I that oblivious to everything changing around me?

So my goal is to rid my life of all the junk I dont need. All this crap around me that keeps me feeling trapped and relying on others is leaving. I dont need it, and all the funds I get from selling it will go into the bank and that will make me feel more safe than anything.

I want to get through my closet and downsize my clothing to what fits and whats new. Not what i hope to get into someday. Someday has been too far away.

I am going to go through the house and start gifting or ridding myself of the clutter I keep so close all the time. I just cant do this anymore.

Im going to have the kids go through their things and get rid of what they dont use or play with.

I have a lot of things I want to do, and I am going to. I just need some healing time and this will help with that emotionally.

Its not the baby blues. Im up everymorning and night with the baby. Im not sleeping through her crying. i dont feel hopeless. I just feel like life has to change. SOMETHING has to change.

Im tired of putting energy into things that are toxic. I care more than I should when I get crap in return.

Yesterday Doug rushed out the door to go to work. Fine. I stopped caring after he left. About us. I just see that he will never care like I needed him to, or wanted him to. The grown up side of me keeps telling myself that I dont NEED him to care. I need to remember that. I did this on my own for years and I can again. I need to again. I need to get back to being the single mom that I was and start taking control of my life and my family. I wont put it on JD. Hes got too much. I will need Matts help while I am healing from the surgery, but I think after that I will be fine. Im counting down the weeks, 4 more to go. I just need to get over this and life will start being where I want it to be and not where it seems to be. Somehow Doug has gotten me to depend on him and I hate that in me. I really do. So I guess life is going backwards while still moving forward somehow. IDK, but this is not where I ever thought I would be.

I want to have a nice house for my kids to grow up in, even if I don’t ever own it. I want a safe place for them to play and go to school. This is not it. I want my Grandmothers table in my dining room, and not abused. I want my floors cleaned and my house looking like it should, in one piece. I want it to look inviting, and warm, not stuffed to the brim with crap we do not need.  I want my truck cleaned out, and useable all the time. i want my clothing cleaned and hung up, not over flowing with baskets all over the place. I want what I need, not what I want.

I think I am going to run out and get my pages for my book, I need to do it sooner than later, so I guess today is soon enough.

And on that note.. here is a lil sunshine.