Throw the damn things back. Everything ends up rotten if you try to hold on to it for too long.
The last few days have been a bunch of realizations for me. Honestly, life is not where I want it for ME and the kids. I just see different paths being headed down and I want to stop, look at a map, get better directions and then proceed. The directions I was given seem to be messed up, even if they did come from a reliable gps system. Maybe, just maybe the batteries are dying and its time to chuck it or replace them?
Now ask, what was all that about?
My so called marriage. Everyone knows Doug and I are not married. Its pretty easy to know if you know us. 9 years off and on, more on than off. We cant get married because of Nate, or so I think thats the reason. Honestly, I dont know anymore. It might just be me waiting for things to snap in to place? Maybe its me reserving what is left of myself? Problem is.. right now I wish I could call it quits and just go back to where I was before I had the twins and it was me and the boys. Noah would be 8 and the youngest. I am not saying I do not want or love the twins and Zoe, everyone knows I do. Its just how life would be uncomplicated. We would be in a better school district. We would be in a better place finically. A warmer house too. I would have my van, and life would be what it is. I don’t know if Matt would be living with me still, but JD would be going to college and life would be what it would be. I guess I just wonder how things spiraled out of control. Why did I let it get to this point without screaming STOP and was I that oblivious to everything changing around me?
So my goal is to rid my life of all the junk I dont need. All this crap around me that keeps me feeling trapped and relying on others is leaving. I dont need it, and all the funds I get from selling it will go into the bank and that will make me feel more safe than anything.
I want to get through my closet and downsize my clothing to what fits and whats new. Not what i hope to get into someday. Someday has been too far away.
I am going to go through the house and start gifting or ridding myself of the clutter I keep so close all the time. I just cant do this anymore.
Im going to have the kids go through their things and get rid of what they dont use or play with.
I have a lot of things I want to do, and I am going to. I just need some healing time and this will help with that emotionally.
Its not the baby blues. Im up everymorning and night with the baby. Im not sleeping through her crying. i dont feel hopeless. I just feel like life has to change. SOMETHING has to change.
Im tired of putting energy into things that are toxic. I care more than I should when I get crap in return.
Yesterday Doug rushed out the door to go to work. Fine. I stopped caring after he left. About us. I just see that he will never care like I needed him to, or wanted him to. The grown up side of me keeps telling myself that I dont NEED him to care. I need to remember that. I did this on my own for years and I can again. I need to again. I need to get back to being the single mom that I was and start taking control of my life and my family. I wont put it on JD. Hes got too much. I will need Matts help while I am healing from the surgery, but I think after that I will be fine. Im counting down the weeks, 4 more to go. I just need to get over this and life will start being where I want it to be and not where it seems to be. Somehow Doug has gotten me to depend on him and I hate that in me. I really do. So I guess life is going backwards while still moving forward somehow. IDK, but this is not where I ever thought I would be.
I want to have a nice house for my kids to grow up in, even if I don’t ever own it. I want a safe place for them to play and go to school. This is not it. I want my Grandmothers table in my dining room, and not abused. I want my floors cleaned and my house looking like it should, in one piece. I want it to look inviting, and warm, not stuffed to the brim with crap we do not need. I want my truck cleaned out, and useable all the time. i want my clothing cleaned and hung up, not over flowing with baskets all over the place. I want what I need, not what I want.
I think I am going to run out and get my pages for my book, I need to do it sooner than later, so I guess today is soon enough.
And on that note.. here is a lil sunshine.
