17
Feb
61 days
Darcykins

I often wonder if the foster parents that killed my son ever think about me and how Im doing. I guess in my head I hope what happened to my son has effected their life more than just not being able to be crappy foster parents.  I never did anything wrong, yet my son was killed because she just couldnt be bothered enough to be a good caregiver. She was even getting paid for it. Stupid.

When I had Donald he was a miracle. I still remember taking him grocery shopping, out to eat with my parents, and how I danced with him on my chest. My heart still aches for him, and I still feel his touch even though its been 13 years. It takes the murder of a child to change someone in ways you can never get back from.

The house is quiet, all but for the beeping of Zoes monitor. It beeps with each breath and I wait for the pause. I wait for my heart to stop. I wait for the worst. Its a horrible way to live, but its reality. Its happened before.

13 years ago my perfectly healthy baby went into the home of strangers, strangers who were given the honor of caring for such an incredible soul. They failed to do what was best for him, I believe this with every ounce of belief I have. You can ask me why, I have a list

  • She lied about having a baby monitor.
  • She used a recalled product that had already murdered other babies
  • She placed a 2 month old on his stomach to sleep, even after admitting she knew back to sleep was best
  • She kept him 2 floors below her, alone in her basement. She claims he was cranky and would cry.
  • She slept 2 floors away from a 2 month old for 8 freaking HOURS. EIGHT HOURS!!

Now having Zoe I can tell you she sleeps for a maximum of 3 hours IF that. Shes his age today. If she slept for 8 hours we would be in the emergency room.

I just can not get over how the memories flood back even though I push them away.  The phone calls from the lawyers. The news media, the constant updates of information that left me speechless. How one person can completely deny someones place in the world.

So here I sit waiting for my Bean to wake up, hoping that right now, this very moment as I take this breath.. that this foster monster is tossing in her sleep having the worst nightmare shes ever had.. and that when she wakes up, it follows her for the rest of her life. That is what she has done to me. Made me live the worst mightmare ever for 13 years.

I just need to watch her breathe.. and pray and wait and survive this. Weird thing is, I wish she was crying, like at birth.. crying means breathing. DSC_0238

Current Mood:Angry emoticon Angry & Sad emoticon Sad & Tired emoticon Tired & Upset emoticon Upset

Category: Baby Donald, ZoeBean  Tags: ,  Leave a Comment
25
Jan
More…
Darcykins

I wish I could tell the children how much they mean to me. How much more of a person I am because of them. How much more I love because of them. How much more my life means because they are simply in it. Its hard to tell them when you know it would burden thier little hearts.

I got the kids custom squishy cups from the best person in the world who does these things.. June. She owns Rising Sun Earthworks and if you need custom pottery this is your girl! She has made me the most incredible treasure box for Baby Donald that I just love.  So back to the cups.. I got each kidlet one for Christmas. They all have a color. Emaly took my Red because its my color. Noah got Yellow because he loves Bumblebee. Jack took blue because hes the boy, and Nate got Orange which is actually my favorite color because I just dont seem to like green. LOL  So for her next custom round I am going to request plates for each kid. They will all be the same color scheme to match, and each will have their names on them. She does incredible lettering by the way and draws the most adorable sheep!  So one each plate I want to put what each child has given me. Wings, Strength, Freedom, Love, ect.. Im going to get them each a bowl as well. I want to order a set for Zoe too, but it would be purple or pink and I dont want to take Pink from Em when I didnt get her Pink.. make sense? So.. thats that. We have several pieces by June, including several mugs, a double slot yarn bowl, my own plate and butter crocks. I really love my RSE. 

 

Current Mood:Frustrated emoticon Frustrated

Category: General Posts  Leave a Comment
05
Jan
when life gives you apples..
Darcykins

Throw the damn things back. Everything ends up rotten if you try to hold on to it for too long.

The last few days have been a bunch of realizations for me. Honestly, life is not where I want it for ME and the kids. I just see different paths being headed down and I want to stop, look at a map, get better directions and then proceed. The directions I was given seem to be messed up, even if they did come from a reliable gps system. Maybe, just maybe the batteries are dying and its time to chuck it or replace them?

Now ask, what was all that about?

My so called marriage. Everyone knows Doug and I are not married. Its pretty easy to know if you know us. 9 years off and on, more on than off. We cant get married because of Nate, or so I think thats the reason. Honestly, I dont know anymore. It might just be me waiting for things to snap in to place? Maybe its me reserving what is left of myself? Problem is.. right now I wish I could call it quits and just go back to where I was before I had the twins and it was me and the boys. Noah would be 8 and the youngest. I am not saying I do not want or love the twins and Zoe, everyone knows I do. Its just how life would be uncomplicated. We would be in a better school district. We would be in a better place finically. A warmer house too. I would have my van, and life would be what it is. I don’t know if Matt would be living with me still, but JD would be going to college and life would be what it would be. I guess I just wonder how things spiraled out of control. Why did I let it get to this point without screaming STOP and was I that oblivious to everything changing around me?

So my goal is to rid my life of all the junk I dont need. All this crap around me that keeps me feeling trapped and relying on others is leaving. I dont need it, and all the funds I get from selling it will go into the bank and that will make me feel more safe than anything.

I want to get through my closet and downsize my clothing to what fits and whats new. Not what i hope to get into someday. Someday has been too far away.

I am going to go through the house and start gifting or ridding myself of the clutter I keep so close all the time. I just cant do this anymore.

Im going to have the kids go through their things and get rid of what they dont use or play with.

I have a lot of things I want to do, and I am going to. I just need some healing time and this will help with that emotionally.

Its not the baby blues. Im up everymorning and night with the baby. Im not sleeping through her crying. i dont feel hopeless. I just feel like life has to change. SOMETHING has to change.

Im tired of putting energy into things that are toxic. I care more than I should when I get crap in return.

Yesterday Doug rushed out the door to go to work. Fine. I stopped caring after he left. About us. I just see that he will never care like I needed him to, or wanted him to. The grown up side of me keeps telling myself that I dont NEED him to care. I need to remember that. I did this on my own for years and I can again. I need to again. I need to get back to being the single mom that I was and start taking control of my life and my family. I wont put it on JD. Hes got too much. I will need Matts help while I am healing from the surgery, but I think after that I will be fine. Im counting down the weeks, 4 more to go. I just need to get over this and life will start being where I want it to be and not where it seems to be. Somehow Doug has gotten me to depend on him and I hate that in me. I really do. So I guess life is going backwards while still moving forward somehow. IDK, but this is not where I ever thought I would be.

I want to have a nice house for my kids to grow up in, even if I don’t ever own it. I want a safe place for them to play and go to school. This is not it. I want my Grandmothers table in my dining room, and not abused. I want my floors cleaned and my house looking like it should, in one piece. I want it to look inviting, and warm, not stuffed to the brim with crap we do not need.  I want my truck cleaned out, and useable all the time. i want my clothing cleaned and hung up, not over flowing with baskets all over the place. I want what I need, not what I want.

I think I am going to run out and get my pages for my book, I need to do it sooner than later, so I guess today is soon enough.

And on that note.. here is a lil sunshine.

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03
Jan
One more moment to relish in 2010
Darcykins

Baby Zoe is here and doing well. I realized I updated HER blog but not my own.. DUH!

So Dec 18th ZoeBean was born via c-section at 6lbs130z. Shes perfect. No, seriously, shes perfect! Shes just such a blessing, which I said from the beginning. There is so much joy in her that I find it hard to be upset or angry at what was and just find myself daydreaming and loving her. DSC_0209

Sometimes life is just unpredicitble. Having Zoe was not in the plans, or ever thought of. I am done now, no more children. Just too old and I think Zoe completes something that I was missing. Shes just so much like Donald. I miss him. Having her for the holidays was hard, but so pleasant. I dont think I put her down unless my GG was holding her. I have a hard time being away from her. I have panic attacks over here due to Donald. I get it.. I know where they are stemming from and that its not her. Its just her perfection and her healthy being.. and then add in the holidays. Im trying to get better. I am breathing more, letting things go.

The new year always brings such angst in the house. Our family Christmas present is being delivered Wed.. a new Couch.LoveSeat and Recliner. WOO HOO.  The living room is so empty waiting for it. Its all chocolate brown and pillowy. Its been a long time since we had a new couch so this is wonderful. Thank you to my mom.. its a great present because it will hep us spend more time together as a family.

My personal goal is to work through some of the emotional damage from Baby Donald and not let it interfere with how I am with Zoe. I also want to work through my control journal, save money this year and work on getting a certain debt paid to a certain person whom I wont say but lives 4 blocks away.  I want to sell some of my Vera Bradley this year and start going through my clothing and getting rid of a lot of it. I dont wear so much, and it should just find new homes.

I also want to see my sister once a month. We have our differences, but shes only half an hour away so I should not have an excuse. Shes gotten herself engaged, after 11 years.. and thats wonderful for her. Her waiting 2 years makes me worry but I will support her as she needs, not how I desire. I wont allow it to be toxic, but I do enjoy hanging with her, even if its just me taking her out to eat with Zoe while the kids are in school or something.  She needs to have us in her life, and I know that its a blessing to have her. I just wish I could help her find her way without what I want her to do. I just hurt watching her keep herself trapped in a very bad circle of happenings.

What else is there?? Lots. OOPS. I want to get through the basement by the end of Feb and either donate or sell whats down there. Honestly we haven’t used it in years so it needs to go. I want to de-clutter each kids wardrobe outside of school uniforms. Doug did the kids shoes today so that is a start. I am working on Zoes clothing this week but know it will take me longer. I cant say what will fit her in a few months.

Goals for the week:

  • Manage Zoe by  myself with just Matt if possible. I need help getting her to and from the car because of the surgery. Still struggling with the pain when I lift her in the car seat.
  • Get my Calendar pages from Franklin Covey and get my book started and filled in.
  • Get Quicken installed and start keeping track of where our money is going. Ya, hello, that should read  HAS GONE.
  • List 2 pieces of VB on Ebay/Yahoo for sale.
  • Keep Zoe’s blog up to date. With PHOTOS.
  • Get my Camera cleaned if I can find a place locally thats still HERE to do it.
  • Get ZoeBean and Ems room cleaned up. Not a hard task, just need to pack away the larger diapers to get a drawer empty.
  • Send my Brother a card with a photo of Zoe for him to keep. I want to do this every other week..
  • Start to actually put addresses IN my address book on my phone so I have them for Christmas Cards this year. I am so horrible at this.

I should add that I need to write here every night, but I do not know if that will happen. I mean seriously, its a limited amount of free arm time here.. LOL  I love my lil Bean but she sure does always want me! I shouldnt complain, right?  I mean how can you complain about a baby wanting to sleep on mommies chest and snuggle with her .. and nurse her to sleep.. and have her tiny hand wrapped around your finger so tight that shes telling you she wont let go? Im amazed at her tiny fingers and how imporant they are to me.  Everything about her is important to me. But her tiny fingers just amaze me.

DSC_0194

Current Mood:Content emoticon Content & Happy emoticon Happy

Category: Children, ZoeBean  Tags:  Leave a Comment
24
Nov
Bedding issues…
Darcykins

I got the crib bedding unpacked and found out its not only ruined, its missing pieces. I am so upset. I found another set on Ebay, so I am bidding on that but by the time I am done with the purchase of this one and the previous one, I could have simply bought it new at BBRU.  Im pretty upset because I wanted a set that would work for Em and Bean.. and this did this. I even bought paint to MATCH the sets. Ems is in wonderful condition, but it was missing some of the items. And then I buy this set and its just .. GAHH..

Well the moral of the story is.. it sucks and I shouldnt have tried to deal with it at 9pm with 5 sick kids in the house and in my 9th month of pregnancy.

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23
Nov
School junk
Darcykins

Had Nates IEP meeting today which did not go as well as I thought it would. Well some of it was fine, some good, some great news.. others just frustrates me to hell.

His overall IQ has not changed, but his skill levels have increased a full grade in the last 3 years. This is wonderful news, hes still learning and what Im pushing for is worth it.  I had to fight to keep PT, which I think is hilarious that they want to drop. Seriously, because he can walk up and down stairs with a helmet hes all ready to enter the big world? Um, NO. She actually said she didnt think seeing him for 30mins a week would make his life different. Then maybe you should see him MORE than 30 and not LESS. Ya, I kept her on consult and I am going to call his dr and get an outside eval done again. Its that time and its needed.

He is doing well in an OT standpoint, but again they are only doing how it effects his school. Not that he can not manipulate a button to do his own shirts. They talked about living skills but do not see how the basics are missing in order to gain those skills.  His speech is great and she had some great ideas on new goals. His educational aspect is going great, although now they are putting OT into that. IDK, just want to bang my head on the wall. Its the first time I ever had to tell a school I was NOT comfortable with a discontinuation of services. I felt like teh PT saw it as a waste of her time, like she could be better off with another student. Like Nate was ok enough that it was fine to let him fall flat on his face. Oh he did that this morning.

Other than this.. Em, Noah and now Nate are all home sick still. Jack went to school. Im heading back to bed for a lil while since I was up late and early.  IM hungry but more exhausted. Thinking I need some rest so I can gain back the energy I wasted walking up and down 3 flights of stairs at the school TWICE.

Current Mood:Angry emoticon Angry

Category: Children, Nathan  Leave a Comment
23
Nov
Uggh.. getting back to where I need to be
Darcykins

So many things have had me off track the last year. I havent been blogging at all which leads to a lack of thoughts spilling out of my head and more piling up in my head.  Im on my Fb more than here.. but I can post to that from my phone. Simple blurbs work better sometimes.

Currently: Kids are sick. We took Noah to the ER and its the flu. Hes doing ok and she said we are managing it well, doing everything fine. Im worried about his weight because hes already so thin, but she said hes hydrated and stuff. Em is on the med up, Jack seems over it.. Nate is still down for the count and then Matthew is on the way out. JD was not touched, and I had something but seem to be better. Doug is filled with nasty germs and I made him wear a mask. :-0 Evil, I know.. but can you imagine the flu at 8.5 mths pregnant? Seriously..

The past.. JD is doing great in school. Culinary is really taking his mind and creativity for a ride.  Jack and Em are the top of the class, doing 1st grade work and teaching the other kids. Ya, WTH! I did not know it was my kids job to do the teachers job. We need to move, they need a better education. It should not be a bad thing that the kids are taught afterschool. Jack is mastering his flashcards and they have mastered word families.  Nate is graduating 8th grade. And Noah is doing great. Struggling with some Math work but we are working on it.

Oh the whole baby thing.. Well things are coming to a close and Bean will be here soon. I havent gotten ONE thing finished for her. The crib is up but no bedding on it. The side sleeper is in the box. The diapers are half washed, wipe warmer not plugged in.. bottles not washed, pump not delivered. Clothing is half washed here and there. Seriously, the room is a mess because the walls have to be painted still. Im so freaking behind.

The twins bday is next week.. they will be SIX! Ya, holy cow!  Jack is getting his controller and game. Em is getting a rocking chair, a waldorf doll and a custom art case. Funny part is she was asking for one the other day, and hers was made last month!  Nate got his presents already and Doug got a TicketyBu he uses all the time.

Mentioning TicketyBu.. here is the 3 kidlets with all the Tb in the house after a bath. The 3 little ones, Doug, and I all have our own TB.. the bigger boys will get ones after the holidays when I can do a custom order for them.

DSC_0171

My life has been drastically changed by the purchase of a Keurig coffee maker. We use it for tea of course. I can have a cup of perfectly brewed tea in moments.  One cup at a time without heating anything that would scold a kid.  Yes, its a great thing. We are going to order 2 more KCups so each of us can have one of our own.. since the 3 of us all brew different tea back to back we are wasting tea.

We had to put the van in the shop to get a new engine, Doug seems to have not listened to me once again and blew the pistons on it. This in turn blew the radiator and left him without a vehicle. Now the truck has to go in, some routine maintenance and some just not acting right after he drove it for 1.5 weeks.

Did I mention contractions are no fun? Ouch Bean.. give momma a break!

Dougs dad went out of town, again. He will miss the kids bdays but thats no big deal, he didnt even do presents for them but DAMN if S&A were missed out on. Seriously, its why I havent been over there in a long time. Just cant deal with favoritism.

Jacks court date is the 30th. We have to go after the woman who hit him. I have his shoes and the hospital bills. I have photos and the damage she did to him. I also have photos of her driving without a license or insurance AFTER she hit Jack. Ya.. so not happy at all.

Well thats that.. Tomorrow I need to go to Nates IEp meeting and see if I can get my desk cleaned off, my book case empty and maybe get the bedding on the crib! LOL Im going to have 3 kids home so it wont be fun or easy. I do get to snuggle a lot so can I complain?

Category: Children, Photo Post, catch up  Leave a Comment
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