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Finding myself in a world where I am because I do. Part 1

The last few years have been rough on me. Nates health has deteriorated, and we know our time is short together. Its making me think harder about life, what I do and who I am. Turns out I never have been me. The context of ME has always been about what I do. Homeschooler, Wife, Mother, Nurse, Booster Club President, Baseball Mom, the mom of 8 who manages to do way too much in the little time I have left. But since I was a mom at 17, “I’ never grew into a person. I became what I was doing that very moment. I excelled at it, and failure was never seen as an option so I pushed myself to always do more.

When I was little I wanted to be an Archeologist. I loved science and all that it held. Ive lost some of that. My love for Science has merged into snuggle time with Noah all cuddled up under furry blankets watching Discovery Channel. We have deep discussions most kids would not understand and we share our favorite facts about things. I love this time with him, its ours, and its unique to us.

I had Matthew when I was 17, and I was too young to be a mom. Seriously, all those teens waiting to have kids and rushing out the door.. Slow down. Take a few breaths for yourself. Babies will always be there, and they will always love you, even if they are not born for another 6 years. You have time, choose to use it on you.

Matthew was the one who I hurt the most being so young. I have lived many years in guilt wishing there was a way to make up for it. Ive said “I’m Sorry” more than any therapist has said is healthy and was actually told by one that I needed to stop. I lived in the guilt of my being young for years. He used the guilt I held to hurt me. He says cruel things he knows will hurt, and they do. He blames me for his having Aspergers and not being able to make wise choices. He has never taken responsibility for himself, or his life.. because he blames that bad choice on me. It must have been my fault. I married a husband who was abusive, its MY fault that he had a dad who was not involved because he could not be faithful to ANYONE, EVER. I fought so hard for Matt, to get him through high school, to keep him moving forward. To find something he liked or keep him involved and healthy. I fought with him to get a shower, to take his meds, to get out the door for school. None of this was fun, but I did it because it was the right thing to do. I lost a lot of myself fighting with Matthew, and taking the hits from the abuse he spews at me.

Sometimes as a mother things happen that we can not control. Being too young and alone, having a son who passed away, his brother being ill and needing my attention. Sometimes we can control them, like our move to NC almost 2.5 years ago. I don’t remember when we made the choice to do it, if it was even thought about ahead of time or we just said GO. I remember them packing the truck one day, me rushing around to get Matt ready to go because he had no place else to go.. and driving out from Chicago. I remember the 36 hour road trip, my moms digs that we were not out of Indiana yet.. and the baby crying. The baby Matthew hated because he said she was a “replacement” for his baby brother who died. One more dig at me. I became a defender of my heart, my soul and my spirit. I had to live in defense mode for so long I forgot how to relax. I forgot how to sleep, to enjoy life. I was so quick to defend everything I did, most times I was not even needing to defend myself. Matt made me live in such a state of panic, that I truly believed I was doing everything wrong and needed to justify every choice and move.

How do you recover from this? 2.5 years later and I still find myself trying to get it right all the time. Erase the kids mistakes on homework, bring 3 dishes to the potluck.. Im always the one to go above and beyond because I do not know now NOT to anymore. Because of the 21 years living with him, I do not trust myself that I am doing things ok, that Im a good mom, or that Im a good person.

Matt went back to live in Illinois right after we moved here, and the house stress level went down. I know I love my son, and I still try to maintain some sort of relationship with him.. but if I showed you his text messages.. you would, well.. His last words were ” Never mind, just forget about me, its easy. just remember all the times I was put into the hospital while you went on vacation easy as pie”.. and then “well your a horrible mother 😀 left me and Donald here all alone”. Yes, Matt spent several weeks in the hospital several times a year. Yes, I went on my planned 4 day vacation with my husband and my parents, the first time I had ever been away from my kids. Yes, every day Matts drama would drip into the trip.. oh, did I mention he was ALREADY AN ADULT???

So in writing this I am taking back my view on myself as a mother and will make the decision on my own if I am a good mom or not. I will not feel guilty if I mess up, if we run late to a class or I fail to cook something healthy every single night. My kids can have soup and grilled cheese, they will survive. I will not erase mistakes and do the answers for the kids. Its ok if Emaly wears the same leotard more than once in a year, I can sell the rest. Bean does not need new tutus for each class, she will still learn how to do the routine. I am a good mother, with great kids. I just need to figure out who I am other than a mother.
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Rediscovering the truth

Last night a Shriners commercial
Came on and Doug and I had a discussion about his dad. Man wouldn’t give a penny to help a single mom or a family in trouble. But he dedicated his entire life to the Shriners and was a clown for years and years. It got us on the path that it was ok to give to the Shriners because he got something out of it, a tax deduction. If you simply give away a crib or buy a starving child a meal you get nothing in his eyes. And somehow that single mom deserves to be there. That homeless person should have planned better.
So his dad who is suppose to be this great man was always driven by his own benefit.. I knew this but last night I think Doug finally got it.

Plumbing and pain

I actually had to reboot my computer today. Sad, JackJack went down for a bit so I could reset the laser keyboard. I kept missing letters as I typed. Now Im not THAT bad of a typer. LOL But she popped up quickly so I think keeping the C drive for just the OS has been a help in my downtime. Seriously, under 3 mins total when it had been taking 20 to 25 round trip.

So Plumbers came out today. Sad sad sad. Bathroom upstairs now works. New pipes, unclogged lines and great water pressure. The downstairs wash basin sink which has plagued this house since it was built now has new pipes under it, which we can take part if need be and clean out.  How beautiful.  Doug still insists this is what killed Lexi, that the sink leaked with bleach water, she drank it and died. I dont know. I cant imagine her drinking the water. She was old, so I hope she went in peace and not in pain. Lets not go back a year.

The hardest part came when they had to do the main line because now the sewer was backing up in the standpipe. We have had a lot of rain. But they brought in this huge “take your arm off freaking big” machine and routed the main pipe out of the house. Tree roots + “disposable” wipes + hair do not make for a good combination. I can understand why it was so horrible.  Total cost was under 600$, which shocked me because I thought for sure it would be over a grand when I saw them cutting pipes.

Plumber said do not use the wipes, none are really flushable. Even those kids ones. Its incredible to do laundry, use the toilet, wash my hands in a real bathroom sink and not have water leaking everywhere. What a beautiful thing.  This house has had water issues for 20 years, and all of this needs to be done on a regular basis. Well the main line being kept clean.

So that was that.

I had Chiro and PT this morning. Without the pain patch I am literally falling apart. I see the pain specialist on the 16th, but I might put a patch on tonight so I can live the rest of the week. Weather has broken, ac is off and its cool here. Im also not driving much at the moment.  I just cant do the PT without the patch because the dilaudid is not covering all the pain.  I don’t think its addiction because I dont crave it, I just cant move freely. Im stiff and everything hurts again like it did before. I was all for trying to get off it, but now we need to find something I can use all summer without the bad effects, and have pain relief so I dont live a crappy life.

Kids started summer school but Nate did not go today. We had to keep an eye on him. He climbed, aka scaled, the dressers yesterday to get to the DS after it was taken away, fell and has a nice egg on his head. The one week of no school has been hard on him. He just cant seem to adjust. Hes mouthy and to the point where I would put him inpatient again to get monitored if I had the energy to do it.  The drive is long and the process sucks.  Hes just becoming a danger to himself more than others, although hes been rough with Emaly when I yell at him, so Im watching the two of them.

Doug worked last night, and I mean night, so he was home all day. With all this going on I am sure hes beat. My mom is having a hard time with all the house stuff. I just wish she knew it wasnt like we wanted bad plumbing, and when she gets the house back in 2 years or maybe 1, she will see that the new plumbing has no issues and the damn kitchen ceiling can be replaced now without worry.  Everything is an improvement, I just wish I could help her know that we didnt call the plumber because we hadnt tried everything. Doug almost killed us trying.

My brothers dates to visit are set. Here on the 29th. Leaves on the 6th. First time he will be here for 4th of July, we are normally on vacation that one week. I mean the last how many years and this year we are not going because of something else going on and hes coming out on that week. Oh well.. I mean its not a bad thing, I love his visits… But Im going to be missing the ocean at the same time.

Tomorrow is going to be hell. Doug has a funeral to go to, which we both wanted to go to, and Im sorry Randi. I wish I could go. I have PT in the am, Jd has a game at 11.  So I have to be here with the kids. I am sorry, and hope she understands. My thoughts are with her always, Im only a phone call away.

Brakes got done on the van, we have to pick it up. No biggie, but its nice that its done and safe. PepBoys wanted 515, our friend got the parts for 170 and then 50 in labor to do them. We will give him more for the labor as a bonus… because he saved us a ton of money. just took a lil longer.

There is always drama.. still waiting on Selinas husband to send us money so I can send her stuff out and recoup some of the costs of having them here. Heck, the ticket amount refunded to me would be nice. It wasnt like it was a planned event. I doubt we will hear from him, so her stuff will sit in the basement, including her computer until I hear something. He said not to send anything until we hear from him, but that doesnt seem to be happening.

My head hurts, its bed time. Kids are all asleep other than JD and Noah. Noahs going to help me put away the toothbrushes in the bathroom because they have been in the kitchen for months now. So nice to have a sink.

I need to post photos. I havent done that in a while. But here.. my desk from today.. Its about all I got.

My desk today.. cleaned off

Protected: Sunday.. one day till trip day

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Protected: Almost a new year..

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Protected: pain all on the inside

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Protected: Long night after a long day

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