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All the right choices

Sometimes a leap of faith is what you need in order to move your life in a new direction. Faith that the Lord will find it time to let you be happy, free and content. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesnt. I think the key is to not get upset when things dont work out like you planned or hoped. There is always a reason, even for the bad. We just dont seem to get it.
When we moved to NC we thought we were giving the kids a better life. At first we were happy, but Dad was working 4 days a week and things were ok. Then the housing issue happened and life kinda fell apart. Dad took a second full time job and to make up for it, I put the kids in activities and sports to keep them as busy as they could handle so they would not miss having him around. It worked for a while, and then it didn’t. Dougs health was taking the toll and so was my emotional availability. NC had failed us, or we had failed them. We simply were not happy. We had to make a change.We just were not ready for it.
Then this company calls and Doug interviews and we relocate to Washington. Yes, Im a Washingtonian. LOL There is some humor in there Im sure. We are back on one salary, in a house with a magnificent view of the Mountain. Im focused on making this house a home, not a shell like the last house. Ive put up curtains and started to decorate. It took us a year in the last house to even work on unpacking items. We just stopped caring because we simply were not happy.

Here, we took a leap of faith. We knew nothing about the area other than some friends word of mouth. We both came out and saw the area some, I found us the house and we packed up and moved. We have survived.. and we are happier for it. We have more time together even with unpacking boxes and work schedules that are backwards. We survived a week on an air mattress, a rental van and nothing to sit on. We even survived a week with no tv. The kids are already enrolled in schools, we have met our neighbors, whom we like. I can drive around without the GPS, make it to the grocery store, the local Walmarts, Targets, Mall and even found new places to eat. Im not afraid to explore. We drive to different areas and try new places. We never did that in NC, part was because of the people, part because it was just so far away.
Things financially will be rough. We wont be as well off as we were, we took a huge hit to the bank to move here, but the sacrifice will be worth it when we can all sit and have a weekend family movie snuggled on my couch.
Leap of Faith.. this was a huge leap that it had to be better than what we had, and its worked out so far. Thank you.. for giving me the strength to have faith.

One step forward and one step back.. cha cha cha

We are moving to a Suburb south of Seattle in 3 days. Yes, I said 3 days. We have been working on this move for over a month now. Doug took a job with a great company and they are relocating us. We would not have taken it otherwise, this is just too much work.
Im currently having a panic attack. My pantry is empty, filled several boxes. My deepfreezer is unplugged and empty. My fridge is currently empty and being unplugged. They are suppose to go on a moving truck tomorrow. It leaves me no way to feed my family here in this stupid house. I know, its acceptable and blah blah.. but its not. Not to me. Im freaking out. Inside Im just ready to break and not get back up.

This move has been uber stressful for me. My stomach has been so upset Im taking 3 pepcids a day. IM buying the girls clothing for winter, when we havent even made it on the stupid plane yet. Nates behavior is all over the place, screaming and hurting everyone. We had to replace a broken window, paint the house, paint the area that we couldnt.. clean carpets. Clean the house.. pack, pack what we need. wait for them to pick up the trucks.. pull the kids, get medical records, get school records, get IEPS, get Nate into the last Drs appt.. pick up medications. SO MUCH to freaking do. And in the middle of it all..

My precious Bean is sleeping on the floor of our room. It seems she crashed there. Wrapped up in Dads TicketyBu, precious Bean is doing what everyone in this house is dreaming they could be doing.. SLEEPING.

So one step forward, one step back.. doesnt mean Im not getting anywhere.. Im learning a new dance and it must be called the ChaCha. Mountain View.. I just keep telling myself in 4 days I will wake up to a Mountain View that has snow on it. Ill be eating the best peaches I have ever had, and watching the sun set over an incredible landscape.

January 20th, 2013


Finding myself in a world where I am because I do. Part 1

The last few years have been rough on me. Nates health has deteriorated, and we know our time is short together. Its making me think harder about life, what I do and who I am. Turns out I never have been me. The context of ME has always been about what I do. Homeschooler, Wife, Mother, Nurse, Booster Club President, Baseball Mom, the mom of 8 who manages to do way too much in the little time I have left. But since I was a mom at 17, “I’ never grew into a person. I became what I was doing that very moment. I excelled at it, and failure was never seen as an option so I pushed myself to always do more.

When I was little I wanted to be an Archeologist. I loved science and all that it held. Ive lost some of that. My love for Science has merged into snuggle time with Noah all cuddled up under furry blankets watching Discovery Channel. We have deep discussions most kids would not understand and we share our favorite facts about things. I love this time with him, its ours, and its unique to us.

I had Matthew when I was 17, and I was too young to be a mom. Seriously, all those teens waiting to have kids and rushing out the door.. Slow down. Take a few breaths for yourself. Babies will always be there, and they will always love you, even if they are not born for another 6 years. You have time, choose to use it on you.

Matthew was the one who I hurt the most being so young. I have lived many years in guilt wishing there was a way to make up for it. Ive said “I’m Sorry” more than any therapist has said is healthy and was actually told by one that I needed to stop. I lived in the guilt of my being young for years. He used the guilt I held to hurt me. He says cruel things he knows will hurt, and they do. He blames me for his having Aspergers and not being able to make wise choices. He has never taken responsibility for himself, or his life.. because he blames that bad choice on me. It must have been my fault. I married a husband who was abusive, its MY fault that he had a dad who was not involved because he could not be faithful to ANYONE, EVER. I fought so hard for Matt, to get him through high school, to keep him moving forward. To find something he liked or keep him involved and healthy. I fought with him to get a shower, to take his meds, to get out the door for school. None of this was fun, but I did it because it was the right thing to do. I lost a lot of myself fighting with Matthew, and taking the hits from the abuse he spews at me.

Sometimes as a mother things happen that we can not control. Being too young and alone, having a son who passed away, his brother being ill and needing my attention. Sometimes we can control them, like our move to NC almost 2.5 years ago. I don’t remember when we made the choice to do it, if it was even thought about ahead of time or we just said GO. I remember them packing the truck one day, me rushing around to get Matt ready to go because he had no place else to go.. and driving out from Chicago. I remember the 36 hour road trip, my moms digs that we were not out of Indiana yet.. and the baby crying. The baby Matthew hated because he said she was a “replacement” for his baby brother who died. One more dig at me. I became a defender of my heart, my soul and my spirit. I had to live in defense mode for so long I forgot how to relax. I forgot how to sleep, to enjoy life. I was so quick to defend everything I did, most times I was not even needing to defend myself. Matt made me live in such a state of panic, that I truly believed I was doing everything wrong and needed to justify every choice and move.

How do you recover from this? 2.5 years later and I still find myself trying to get it right all the time. Erase the kids mistakes on homework, bring 3 dishes to the potluck.. Im always the one to go above and beyond because I do not know now NOT to anymore. Because of the 21 years living with him, I do not trust myself that I am doing things ok, that Im a good mom, or that Im a good person.

Matt went back to live in Illinois right after we moved here, and the house stress level went down. I know I love my son, and I still try to maintain some sort of relationship with him.. but if I showed you his text messages.. you would, well.. His last words were ” Never mind, just forget about me, its easy. just remember all the times I was put into the hospital while you went on vacation easy as pie”.. and then “well your a horrible mother 😀 left me and Donald here all alone”. Yes, Matt spent several weeks in the hospital several times a year. Yes, I went on my planned 4 day vacation with my husband and my parents, the first time I had ever been away from my kids. Yes, every day Matts drama would drip into the trip.. oh, did I mention he was ALREADY AN ADULT???

So in writing this I am taking back my view on myself as a mother and will make the decision on my own if I am a good mom or not. I will not feel guilty if I mess up, if we run late to a class or I fail to cook something healthy every single night. My kids can have soup and grilled cheese, they will survive. I will not erase mistakes and do the answers for the kids. Its ok if Emaly wears the same leotard more than once in a year, I can sell the rest. Bean does not need new tutus for each class, she will still learn how to do the routine. I am a good mother, with great kids. I just need to figure out who I am other than a mother.

Car Shopping

3’weeks ago we bought a new vehicle. It wasn’t a choice, Firestone blew the engine on our truck and we needed a replacement that would hold all of us. Dunn Ford took great care of us and we walked out with a beautiful Expedition. Dealer vehicle. Perfect condition, or so we thought. We have a bumper to bumper warranty, so we won’t freak. But here is my issue..
Rear some light does not work.
12v plug does not work
Handle for the lift gate is loose.
Middle of the drivers airbag is dented in
Sensor for passenger airbag does not work.

Ok the first 3 I see getting over looked. But in a state where you have to have a safety check on your vehicle to get plates, how does a car with broken airbags qualify? It doesn’t.

So we had a 1:30 slot and got here at 1:40. It’s now 4:34 and we are still waiting on a job they told us would take 1-1:30 hours. Nates patience has run out. I’m working double time to keep him calm and quiet. I would have brought the car back another day for the other things, if someone had been honest and said 4-5 hours. Doug and I could have done it next week and went shopping!! Brains people, BRAINS!!!

Rediscovering the truth

Last night a Shriners commercial
Came on and Doug and I had a discussion about his dad. Man wouldn’t give a penny to help a single mom or a family in trouble. But he dedicated his entire life to the Shriners and was a clown for years and years. It got us on the path that it was ok to give to the Shriners because he got something out of it, a tax deduction. If you simply give away a crib or buy a starving child a meal you get nothing in his eyes. And somehow that single mom deserves to be there. That homeless person should have planned better.
So his dad who is suppose to be this great man was always driven by his own benefit.. I knew this but last night I think Doug finally got it.

A simple womans daybook.. trial 2

Copied from..

I have low expectations, just taking it slow to ease the headache thats pounding away.

Outside my window…
I watch the winds blow the trees and miss being home. Chicago was the windy city, and right now I should be freezing, cuddled up and watching tv with Bean. Instead, Im sitting next to the window wondering why we are going to be in the high 60s next week.

I am thinking…
That I was lucky today ,the bank reversed some fees that I was charged and should not have. I also need to get rid of the mood theme I have and go more simple with the blog. Way to much to post and look through on here. I also think I have simplified a lot of things going on here, and how I deal with things in general.

I am thankful…
for the new therapy team that has been brought on board for Nates care. Im also thankful everyone in the house is well but me, and its only just a cold.

In the kitchen…
Is just a pile of paperwork, and nothing cooking. I have no desire to cook tonight.

I am wearing…
Clothing I bought from a local mom who was selling her too big clothing, and I paid 100$ for some pretty nice clothes, well under value. I have a cute winnie the pooh fleece on that I would only wearing the house to take the chill off.

I am creating…
A new website for my parents charity. Other than that, a huge mess on my desk it seems.

I am going…
nowhere today if I can help it. The mail box is the furthest this woman wants to leave the house for.

I am wondering…
why I can work all day, get things done and handle the kids.. yet dad has no one to get in his way and can only accomplish 2 loads of laundry and a load of dishes in 6 hours.

I am reading…
a book I got on my iPad from Kindle/Amazon for free.. Organized Simplicity. I just started, so it will go slow.

I am hoping…
to kick this cold and loose a few more lbs this week. I restarted the Alli and am down almost 6 pounds, more if I weigh myself before I take a shower. Can the body really hold in water from a shower? Seriously, I didn’t eat in the shower I promise.

I am looking forward to…
A fun night with the kids and a good nights rest. Also, my mom buying tickets to come out to see me in May~ I want to go shopping with my mom. Doug also applied for a remote work job during the week. It would end all our money worries.

I am learning
That I do more than I think I do. I need shelves on my desk. I also need a place to lock up paperwork from Bean.

Around the house…
I am hoping the wind dies down by the time the kids get home. I love watching them on the trampoline, and it keeps them safe. Emaly learned to do a flip yesterday, and I was so proud of her.

I am pondering…
What I can do to make some money for the house. My mind goes in a million directions at once, and while I have a lot of projects going on in my head, i need to find a way to commit to one and make it work.

A favorite quote for today…
Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live. ~Margaret Fuller
— I direct this at my husband, who also needs to remember that while he is working, he needs to remember to live when he’s not. —-

One of my favorite things…

A few plans for the rest of the week:
Therapy appt for Nate on Thursday, and Friday is UNC day, we pick up his helmet, get a bone scan and then meet with the Psych Drs.

A peek into my day…